We just launched into week 37 of this pregnancy and it has sure flown by. I was just thinking some thoughts and decided to write them down while Emmitt is sleeping.
Naptime was a struggle today and it took two rounds for Emmitt to finally let me win. I get entirely too frustrated over these little episodes and when Emmitt finally falls asleep, it just takes one look at his peaceful face to be filled with all sorts of emotions: Guilt for getting frustrated, sadness that he's growing up too fast, overwhelming love, and recently, an odd almost regretful feeling that soon I won't be able to give him all the attention I have in the past.
Then I feel pretty awful for feeling anything close to regret that soon we'll be welcoming another sweet boy into our family. It's a weird emotion.
People tell you, you don't have to split your love for your kids because your heart grows for each child and you can love them all. While I'm sure it's true, I'm only human. I'm not nervous about not loving my children. I'm nervous about not putting the time in to show it.
Then I started thinking about my Heavenly Father. He knows me better than I know myself and that's true of all of us. He sees me not as I am now, but with all the potential I have. I have no idea how he does it, but I can feel his love for me. I know that this life is a test and we all make mistakes. However, through the Atonement of Christ, we can become like Him and our Heavenly Father and Mother. We can be perfect parents, sons, daughters, friends, neighbors, you name it.
Tom and I teach a Marriage and Family Relations class in church and one of our class members made a comment once that stuck with me. It was something to the effect of, "Even though not every child will be born into privileged or ideal circumstances in this life, they came from and have experienced a perfect home and family before." I believe that as we experience the good in this life, it will remind us of that perfect home we had before and make us want to do better so we can experience it again.
So that's where my thoughts have been today. Only 3 weeks away from my due date and I'm beyond excited to become a mom all over again, but this time around feels completely different. I'm not anxious about the same things like giving birth, being prepared with enough baby supplies, and all of that. Now, I'm asking myself things like, "Will Emmitt love his little brother?", "Will we be able to take care of both of them and give them enough time and attention to teach them all they need to know?", and "Am I learning and becoming Christ-like enough to show these two boys how to get back to their Heavenly Father?" Families are so important. I realize not everyone's is the same as some deal with childlessness, abuse, neglect, divorce, and a ton of other far-from-perfect situations. But families help us to grow. I'm not the same person I was on my wedding day. I've been taught so much by a sweet husband and a sweet little boy and I look forward to learning much more as we spend eternity together.
